More and more couples are living in a kind of perma-engaged state. (Think Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick...or even Brangelina for all these years!) So what are the pros and cons of being an “unofficial wife”? Shaun Dreisbach reports.
Happily never after: Six years and two kids later, Kardashian and Disick still haven’t walked down the aisle.
Lauren Lally is blissfully unmarried, although everything about her relationship screams husband and wife. The 24-year-old account consultant from Dallas and her civil engineer boyfriend, Joey Barnard, 23, have spent the past three years “building a life together,” as she puts it: They co-rent an apartment, share a credit card, and jointly raise golden retrievers Lady and Tramp. “I’ve been on the Tiffany website,” says Lally with a laugh, “but then I realize that getting married is just not something we want to do right now. Down the line we will, but what’s the rush?”
Call them “nearlyweds,” couples with all the trappings of marriage—the home, the in-laws, the shared Labradoodle, maybe even the kids—but no actual marriage certificate. It’s the latest relationship trend, and a growing one. But is it good or bad for women? Let nearlyweds themselves, and a few wise experts, fill you in.
For better: a house, a dog...a test run
The nearlywed phenomenon has been on the radar since Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn coupled up in 1983; Brangelina blazed the trail too. “But now it’s everywhere,” says psychoanalyst Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York–Presbyterian Hospital–Weill Cornell Medical College.
New statistics back her up: Almost three quarters of women have lived with a partner by age 30—up 19 percent since 1995, according to the Centers for Disease Control. In fact, among women under 45, twice as many move in with someone as get married first.
Some nearlyweds are engaged but have no wedding date in sight; others aren’t thinking about marriage at all. What they share is that they’re not pausing their plans to have kids or get the house: Nearly a quarter of married young adults bought their first home with their partner before becoming hitched, one survey found, and 23 percent of births today are to women who cohabitate with a partner, up from 14 percent in 2002. And many women regard being nearlywed to be as good as marriage: “I am totally cool with the way things are,” says Ali Marchese, 28, a children’s-app producer who’s planning to buy an apartment in New York City with her love of three years. “He’s my partner for life. Honestly, I don’t know how it would be different if we were married.” (People are taking these relationships so seriously, in fact, that many are signing a new pre-prenup of sorts: a “prehab” agreement for couples who live together. “I have drawn up so many of these,” says Laura Wasser, divorce attorney to stars like Ashton Kutcher and Kim Kardashian, and author of the upcoming book It Doesn’t Have to Be That Way.)
Why is the nearlywed trend so big right now? Some women say it’s because they simply don’t consider the marriage certificate essential anymore. (In a May 2012 Glamour survey of 2,100 women, nearly half called marriage “outdated.”) Sophia Lormeus, 31, feels that way. She and her partner of four years are expecting a baby, but she has no plans to walk down the aisle—and resents those who imply she should. “Society has made being married more important than having a great relationship, and I already have that,” says the human resources consultant in Montreal. “He treats me so well and will be such a fantastic father, it feels insulting to think we are not truly committed just because we’re not married.”
For others, nearlywedding is less scary—and permanent—than marriage. “We are in an age of uncertainty,” says Jennifer M. Silva, Ph.D., author of a new book on entering adulthood, Coming Up Short. With education costs soaring, jobs disappearing, and divorce all around them, many young people are afraid to depend on others. “That seeps into relationships too,” she says, “so any real commitment becomes yet another risky venture.” Which is why nearlywedding is a perfect middle ground. “It used to be that you married young, lived in a crappy apartment, finished school, and grew into adulthood together,” says Karen Benjamin Guzzo, Ph.D., an assistant professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University in Ohio, who specializes in nontraditional families. “Today people feel a real need to get their career in a good place and be financially secure first, which takes a long time in our economy. In the meantime, people still fall in love and want to be with somebody.”
No wonder, then, that the nearlyweds Glamour spoke to think playing husband and wife is the perfect test run: “You can’t hide your idiosyncrasies when you live together, so it confirms either that you’ll make good partners or that you’re not really compatible—before you jump in,” says Kaitlin Dorn Severini, 29, a production editor in New York City. “It can keep you from making a huge mistake.”
For worse: The “easy out” relationship
So what’s the downside? Some experts question the nearlywed claim that everything-but-marriage is as good as marriage. “Research shows that one of the top predictors of a successful relationship is having a high level of commitment, and that high level is rare without signing a contract,” says Robert Epstein, Ph.D., a senior research psychologist at the American Institute for Behavioral Research and Technology in Vista, California. “When something goes wrong as a nearlywed, it can make you doubt the relationship. But when you’re married, you think, OK, he’s being a jerk, but we’ll figure this out. Having that piece of paper keeps you working hard to make the arrangement a success.”
Dr. Saltz is more measured, but she too suspects that it’s rare for a nearlywed couple to be as committed as a wedded one. “Some people have a kind of moral contract where they’ll stay in the relationship, married or not,” she acknowledges. “Others, however, deep down, do want an escape hatch, and this seems like a way to have your cake and eat it too. But the truth is, anytime you have financial troubles, anytime someone passes by who looks a bit better than your other half, there’s that thought: I can get out.”
“People nearlywed for all kinds of reasons, and his may not be yours.”—relationship expert Andrea Syrtash
Danielle Marshall, 26, says her nearlywed state felt like limbo to her—and that wasn’t a good thing. “When my boyfriend and I moved in together, we talked about eventually marrying and having kids,” says the information-technology specialist in Mesa, Arizona. But “eventually” turned into five years, a dog, two cars, savings for a down payment on a house— and still no wedding ring. “Every time I brought up marriage, he’d blow it off, like, Why do we need a piece of paper? He told me we’d be together forever, but I knew he still felt like he had the option to leave.”
Marshall broke it off and discovered that when a nearlywed relationship craters, in some ways it’s as painful as a divorce—or worse. After all, tell people your husband left, and they’ll be over in five minutes with wine and The War of the Roses. But a nearly-divorce doesn’t carry the same emotional weight. “It’s like society doesn’t think it counts if you’re not married,” says relationship expert Andrea Syrtash, coauthor of It’s Okay to Sleep With Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked. Marshall agrees: “When we broke up, everyone was like, ‘Oh, you’ll be fine.’ But I’d just spent five years with this guy! On top of the heartache, we’ve had to figure out who gets the cars, the house savings, the big-screen TV, and, of course, the dog. After six months we’re still trying to tease our lives apart.”
How to be a happy nearlywed
So how do you make the nearlywed thing work? Here’s what experts say you—and your unofficial husband—should do:
Talk first. “People nearlywed for all kinds of reasons, and his may not be yours,” says Syrtash. “Discuss!” Are you moving in only to save on rent, or is it more than that? Do you expect sexual monogamy? Want marriage? Commitment for life? Kids? “Some things you can negotiate,” says Syrtash. “Others you can’t.” Do a gut-check on your deal breakers before you sign the lease.
Then keep talking. Experts suggest having a DTR (define the relationship) discussion at least once a year. “Living together solidifies this sense of attachment,” says Meg Batterson, a psychotherapist in New York City. “It can be easy to just stay, even if it’s not working.” Dr. Saltz agrees: “Feelings can shift, so it’s important to check in regularly about where you’re heading.” (For the record, she recommends this for married couples too.)
Make that “prehab,” ideally before you move in. “It protects your rights to the big things (your expensive furniture, who gets the cat, who moves out) and waives any claims beyond that,” says attorney Wasser. At the very least, DIY the document. Take a piece of paper, jot down who gets what, sign it (him too), and stash it somewhere. “Even though it’s not a legal document,” Wasser says, “it could still be used in court if there’s a dispute.” Lally and Barnard have one like that in their safe at home. “The way I look at it is, this is something we’ll never need,” she says. “But who knows? Right now we just want to spend some years creating a solid foundation— and enjoy being young and fun.”
Shaun Dreisbach is a contributing editor at Glamour.
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